So on a very personal note......

I have been really emotional today , it all started last night when Ethan decided it was a good idea to get in the bath tub with his clothes on and ...... take his iPod with him. Makes sense right ? I mean Ethan thinks " I love water and I love my phone having them both would be awesome". At the time I thought my iPod was toast and was upset at the prospect of spending another couple hundred dollars for a new one. Come to find out this morning after drying out and resetting it , it works good as new. So why am I still sad ?Because yeah I didn't want to spend $ on another but the root sadness is that I am frustrated that my six year old thinks its a good idea to do this , that its still okay to poop/ pee his pants, that its okay to wander off from your mom at Kohls. I am upset that he makes bad choices and if it were Hailey I could punish her and get the point across. So today i have been having a huge pitty party and the best part of my day started at the lunch table... I made the kids their lunch and I sat down to well cry some more and Hailey says " Mom, why are you crying "
Me: "I'm sad".
Hailey: "Why"
Me: Because Ethan can't talk
Hailey : Don't cry , Ethan will talk soon.
Me: You think so ?
Hailey : Yeah , you just have to be patient ..... He's eating

LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love that girl ! She knows how to cheer me up . Such a great big sister.

Adventures in Autism

Hey Everyone,
I have started a new Facebook page to complement this blog called Adventures in Autism. While this blog has been somewhat of a diary the Facebook page is more of a resource center of ideas on how to make everyday autism life easier . Please join me and help spread the word  ! Here are some of my latest posts if you want a taste of what it is all about !

A GFCF ( Gluten Free / Casein Free) diet is the benchmark for "healing / curing" your child with autism using the DAN/ MAPS protocol. These cookies are available in your local vitamin cottage or health food store as well as ..... wait for it ..... Costco in bulk and cheaper. They are so tasty your kids will love them . They look so good my husband thought they were the regular cookies I normally bake. I give them a thumbs up :)!

For all those who want a environmentally friendly and cost effective way to diaper your child who may be too old for pull ups , I found antsy pants. They are a cloth pull up with but up sides for easy clean up and they make them in bigger sizes for bigger kids. It is $377 for 14 pull ups and they take payment plans . I feel like Ethan does better staying dry in cloth but it was always a pain to clean up #2's without tear away sides . We have ordered ours and can give a full review once they get here. Larger sizes are a custom order and can take up to 3 weeks to make . Let me know your thoughts. Also for those who don't want to use cloth Medicaid will cover pull ups for children who are over 4 and are not potty trained. Contact Rocky Mountain Homecare to order.

I bought this product from Kohls for $19.99. It makes 5 waffle sticks in minutes. We make our own GFCFSF (Gluten,Caesin, and Soy Free) using Better Batter. You can make a ton all at once and freeze them for easy heat up all week. We also put Flax seed in the waffles to get a serving of fiber and Omega's or you could do cinnamon , or fresh fruit whatever you or your child likes. I like that they are hand held and the kids can dip them in syrup for less mess. I hope you like them!

So on my last post I talked of Better Batter with the waffle stick maker. Well here it is ! I have made waffles and pizza pockets so far with it . I will say it is not the miracle cure for glutenous dough but not sure there is one . I do like that it matches cup for cup with regular flour for any recipe. Their website provides hundreds of recipes that you can use with this product and best part of all....... If you send them your child's autism diagnosis you can get the product at a discounted rate! They have cake mixes, brownie mixes, seasoned flour , all purpose flour and pancake mix. It would be a great thing to buy and put in the cabinet even if you don't have a gluten free kid, in case one comes over or you want to send them to school when you send your child's birthday goodies or holiday goodies or to church potlucks so no one gets left out ! You would make that child's mom's day for sure ! I am enjoying it and will continue to buy it ! It is made by a mom of a child on the spectrum and I love to be able to support that! You can check it out at betterbatter.org

Not your Average Ethan

           We belong to a rather large church and being the introvert I am, I love that every Sunday I can walk in and walk out rather unnoticed . Well besides the  meet and greet and dropping off the kids both of which both are mandatory and a necessary.  Everyone who comes to church on any given Sunday has a story to tell. Most Sundays for me go something like this . I get up in plenty of time to get the house fed and ready to go on time but procrastinate up until the final seconds so as to have the thrill (ha) of rushing out the door to be on time. Tommy and I tag team the kids to get them potty'd and checked into their Sunday School classes. At that point of kissing their faces and waving goodbye , I can feel a sudden relief of now I can relax . Next , I go to the bathroom and Tommy gets a drink, sometimes I peruse the bible book store and we go and settle in our seats which by my calculations is always two rows up from the last couple in our specific section and at that point we are ready to go. Usually each Sunday I have a heavy heart before I even sit down in that coveted perfect seat. Thoughts of " Why do I always stress about getting to this seat on time? Is Ethan going to stay clean and dry in class? How much money do we have this week to spare (usually isn't alot which brings stress).Then my mind goes back to Money , Ethan, Money, Ethan, Money , Ethan until Jeff our worship leader beckons us to "Rise and sing" and I can drowned out these thoughts with the loud upbeat music for the next 20 minutes.  I always cry during communion and usually during the last song of the day and then Pastor Phil comes out. Tears fade away to laughter as his opening lines are always comical , followed by deep lessons of self evaluation and drives it on home with a question usually on personal reflection that brings back the tears. After the service comes the dreaded walk of shame. Like how many tears can I wipe before I get to the doors and the ushers see me crying , not very many. Then as we exit , Tommy will turn to me , see that I have been crying and ask the "what did you think ?" when all I really want to do is  forget so that I can turn off the tears before I have to face the nice Sunday school ladies to pick up the kids. All that being said, that was a typical Sunday for me . I was a little blindsided this week. I should have saw it coming , everything was different yesterday. We left early for church with no stress , had a little extra money in our pocket so the cost of Tommy's drink and the thought of going out to eat after church was no stress and with Ethan's new school going so well I had no heavy heart this week regarding him , since we were early no one was sitting in our section at all so I had the pick of the litter for my seat. All in all this morning was quite nice. Feeling really peaceful this week about my life and how things are going , I sang praise to the lord and took communion without crying , as always loved the message , and almost made it the entire service until as always Pastor drives the word home and I lose it.

           The series we are reading is "Not your average Joe" the story and study of Joseph and his coat of many colors. I have heard and loved this story so many times since childhood that I couldn't possibly get anything new out of it. WRONG! Joseph's story is your story. This boy had so many ups and downs in his life. Started out that he was the proclaimed favorite son of his 12 brothers. Although sinful , tell me who doesn't love being the favorite? I myself am an only child so like a bye in a sports event I was awarded that title myself . It is a pretty nice place to be. However soon his brothers hated him so much that they threw him in the bottom of a pit. Pretty low spot there and within a few hours was sold into slavery and sent to a far away land. The lord gives and the lord takes away. The question presented in the message yesterday was "What would a person do in exactly your circumstances if they were absolutely confident beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was with them?". I often forget that in the bible these are not stories, they are actual events in which once you can see the whole story you wonder why they chose to do things the way they did as God always comes through for them. But like me , the people in the bible are only human too , they didn't get to see the big picture in their lives as it unraveled. I sometimes think If I could only read the final chapter in my own story ,you know sneak a peak and pass over all the middle stuff cause everyone knows the middle stuff is the hairy and icky stuff , and see that everything turns out fine then I could continue on without worry as I know it will all work out . Faith is not seeing and believing , its believing period. Asking yourself in your darkest moments " Do you trust him?"  Ouch hard question.

        Now I said that Joseph's story is everyone's story. Did I get thrown in a pit and sold to slavery? No. Life has a funny way of taking you down paths you never expected. "Standing on a road I didn't plan, wondering how I got to where I am?" (Plumb: Need you Now) I struggle so many times with Autism as it is so different than making a bunch of bad choices that leads to your own suffering , it is different than a disease that you know the cause of and can understand how it happened. Autism is a path no one chose, no one knows how it starts or how to fix it . There are so many questions about it that for the time being are left unanswered. So the statement "wonder how I got to where I am ?" Only leads me to GOD and Why? I don't know how I got to where I am ?I was a young girl who married the man of her dreams and desired to have a family . How can something so beautiful put me on this path?  In a rather gross analogy, Pastor asked what Joseph may be thinking while chained to a camel walking behind what he ate a few hours earlier. Now that I can relate to . Ethan is my camel that I am chained to , I can't get away and I am constantly looking at what he ate a few hours earlier..... Kinda funny but not really. "What would a person do in exactly your circumstances if they were absolutely confident beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was with them?". How would that person raise Ethan ? Can they turn off their brain at night and sleep knowing "God's got this "? Would they worry about what school he goes to , what medicine he should take , what doctor can help him ? Where the money is going to come from to pay for any of this ? Do I trust him ? Do I trust he is the one true God and sent his son to die on a cross for mine and all mankind's sins? Answer to that is easy . Do I feel like I am walking down the Autism road alone without God . Yeah sometimes.  Do I trust that no matter how dark or scary this path that I am on God will always be there ? Hard questions. One that as a young child in Sunday school would yell out "YES".  One I would love to yell out yes to but not sure I believe it when it comes to Ethan. Especially since Autism is such a mystery. One thing I will say I have not yet learned but want to is that Faith is a daily choice. Even though our lives may come with ups and downs and some Sunday's its easy to sing praise and trust , some Sunday's its not and life is ugly and I can be scared and mad and upset  but I can still chose to trust . What is your story?  Do you trust him? 

A lot of this blog's ideas were taken from Phil Vaughn at Southeast Christian Church in Parker Colorado on the series Not your Average Joe. If you would like to listen to the sermon please visit them online at www.sechristian.org

Who is the real Ethan Haggerty?

There is a picture at the top of our stairs of  Ethan at age 1. It is my absolute favorite. This picture can on some days bring a smile to my face or on a bad day bring so much pain. To me this picture of Ethan is what I call the "REAL" Ethan. The Ethan before Autism. 

Far from the tree: Parenting a child different from you was the title of a recent Katie Couric episode  in which Katie interviewed a mother of a child with Autism. I watched wondering how the mother could so eloquently tell the story of her son without even a tear and how Katie could sit there and so coldly ask the most ridiculous questions? Such as "How did you feel when you heard the diagnosis?" I half expected the mom to ask back " How do you think I felt ?".

All the books tell you that you need to take a period of time to grieve. To grieve the loss in  a sense not of your child, as they are still with you, but the loss of the hopes and dreams you may have had for them . Like the mother on that show stated the moment is a frozen moment in time. Like you will always know where and what you were doing when you heard the news of 911, Parents will know where and what they were doing when they heard the word Autism . I myself do not remember most of his appointment when we got the official diagnosis that went on paper that should be laminated as it has gone with us to every evaluation , school, fundraiser etc. I remember the phone call I received from his pediatrician after his 18 mo well check. I had to work that day so Tommy took Ethan in for that appointment and when I got home I asked how it went and Tommy told me that the doctor said he would call me later that he needed to talk to me. Didn't seem like a good sign , I mean Ethan is the most adorable kid maybe he was calling to tell me that a local modeling agent contacted the doc to find extremely cute kids for a commercial .  No such luck. I was driving in the car with Ethan in the back seat when I got the call. The doctor said that although he couldn't give an official diagnosis , he felt that Ethan had a lot of red flags for autism and that he would be sending him for further testing and referring him for Speech and Occupational therapy. I had already had several of my own concerns on the matter but had hoped that they were unfounded and that the things we were seeing in Ethan he would grow out of, but to have a licensed doctor tell me "red flags for autism" I could no longer deny it or so I thought. I broke out in tears which is nothing new for me as I'm pretty sure that no one cries as much as I do , but I looked at Ethan in that moment in the rear view mirror and my vision of watching Ethan play basketball, playing guitar, me getting him flowers to give to his first date, going to college and getting married all seemed to slip away. What did this mean for Ethan ? So began my 5 stages of Loss and  Grief.

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief

By JULIE AXELROD

Many people do not experience the stages in the order listed below, which is okay. The key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you must go through every one of them, in precise order. Instead, it’s more helpful to look at them as guides in the grieving process — it helps you understand and put into context where you are.

1. Denial

2.Anger

3.Bargaining

• If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
• If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
• If only I was a better person…

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

4.Depression

5.Acceptance

Well if you ask me Julie Axelrod  my list goes something like 1. Denial 2. Bargaining and now I flip flop between Anger, Depression and Acceptance.

For a year of two after the diagnosis I still had some denial as I still had hope that he would talk as my mom said that she didn't talk until she was 3, but when his 3rd birthday came and went without any words I had to go through the whole loss process again. I bargained for a while and will still but rarely visit the bargaining chip tool. "If only that nurse hadn't given him the wrong shots at 9 months or If only I hadn't vaccinated him at all". Going down that road is a waste of time , lots of people play the what if game but until Doc Brown masters the time machine it can band aid the wounds but never heal them. My red get it done personality forced my acceptance as Ethan had to have the official diagnosis to get the treatment that would help him. So I accepted that my son had autism.  But does that mean I accept him just as he is ? I like to think so but if that were true then why do I still bounce between the last two stages of Anger and depression? How can I truly accept it when I feel like my little boy was stolen from me that in a way I don't TRULY know my son at all .  When I play my what if game I try to ENVISION what it would be like if Ethan DIDN'T  have Autism. Instead of listening the his I pod in the empty bath tub right now he would be in a regular kindergarten class, asking to ride his bike after school and play video games. He would have been waking us up on Christmas day to go open his presents .  He wouldn't have gluten free birthday cakes.Ethan is very tall for his age so even though he is six he looks much older than he is . So comments from strangers in the store of "What football team you got him playing on ?" although well intended can ELICIT a whole new wave of Sadness.  I don't know where the real Ethan and Ethan with Autism meet . I told Tommy yesterday that this is not what God could have possibly had in mind for Ethan we have to be able to fix this ! In his INFINITE wisdom Tommy replies" Do you think Ethan is unhappy?"  The answer to that is simple .... No ! Ethan is very happy , If I gave Ethan his I pod  all day long I would hear nothing but giggles and pure joy pour out of him all day long. It's when I put him through hours of therapy to form him into what I and society think is "normal " is when he fights and throws a fit. So is the acceptance stage getting me stuck from moving past depression and anger?  I realize I am not working to heal Ethan for Ethan I'm doing it for me . I DON'T  want to be changing poop diapers for the rest of my life, I don't want people to stare at me at the grocery store, I don't want to lose my 6 year old in church, I don't want to have to work  $500 a month into my budget for therapy. I want to watch as he learns to read, I want him to memorize bible versus I want him to FIGHT with Hailey and I want him to be able to talk and tell me he loves me. Realizing this doesn't make it any easier to implement in real life because life with Autism is hard but its a starting point.  I in so many ways feel that God gave Ethan this condition to teach me a lesson as Ethan isn't SUFFERING from Autism, I am,  and until I "Get it " ie: patience , kindness, tolerance, humility and most of all learn to trust him he will continue to use Autism to teach me everyday. As God is the ultimate healer he knew Ethan before I did. He knows every hair on his head  every strand of DNA and every neuroreceptor and without a blink of an Eye can heal Ethan . So that being said , Who is the real Ethan Haggerty ? Let's see where Ethan meets Ethan with autism.

Ethan with Autism                                                Ethan Haggerty

Wanderer                                                              Explorer

Can't sit still                                                         Excited about Life, Lots of Energy

Can't Talk                                                               Abstract Thinker

Chews on Clothing                                              Love of Fashion? :)

Walks on toes                                                     Strong Calves 

Sensory Issues                                                    Loves Big Hugs 

Doesn't like new situations                               Is Happy just as he is 

Oblivious to the world around him                 Doesn't see how cruel this world

                                                                                 Can be 

Ethan also brings joy to those around him. His smile is infectious . He loves music and loves to share that with anyone who will sit and sing with him. He loves to swim, swing and jump. if there was  sport for endurance of jumping Ethan would win everytime. he loves snuggles . He doesn't have a malicious bone in his body.  I guess what I really want is for everyone to see ethan the way I do. best way to make that happen is for me to love him for who he is and watch it radiate!

And a happy New Year

Based on 2009 data , Autism is estimated to affect 1 in 88 kids. My Ethan is a 1 in 88 kid. Autism has taken over our house , It makes every family decision from what to eat , where we go, how long we can stay, where we live and believe it or not but which Santa Claus and light displays we see during the holidays . It may be a huge part of our family but we won't let it disable us. Ethan turned 6 years old this month and looking back on the year thanks to all our friends , family , therapist , teachers and church we have a lot to celebrate!

Here is a list of can'ts turned into cans made possible by all of you for 2012. (Based on Firefly data)

Expressive Communication Goals

1. When two objects are held in view for Ethan , he will chose one by pointing proximally to the desired object paired with eye contact 2x in a 10-15 minute activity , across at least 3 different people over 3 consecutive days .  (Mastered date:First quarter 2012)

2.When preferred food item is available but out of reach (across table or with a teacher, Ethan will take icon off the from of his PECS (Picture Exchange Communication System) book and drop in adults hand 6-8x during snack with at least 3 different teachers across 4 consecutive days. ( Mastered date: First quarter 2012)

3.When desired objects are offered to Ethan , he will combine intentional vocalization and or eye contact , 6x8 a day , across at least 3 different  adults and over 3 consecutive days.(Mastered: First quarter 2012)

 

4.Ethan has mastered Phase I and Phase II of PECS with 90% accuracy across 5-6 preferred objects and 2 or more caregivers and is currently working on Phase III. ( Mastered: 3rd quarter 2012)

Receptive Communication

1. When a familiar adult says "Ethan look, and is not in his line of sight within 5 ft, Ethan will orient and look at object 2x within a 10-15 minute period across 3 different people. ( Mastered 2nd quarter 2012)

2. When retrieving a toy or needing to place objects in containers , puzzles ore specified places Ethan will follow a proximal or distal point 2-3x within a 10-15 minute activity with 3 different adults over 3 consecutive days . ( Mastered 3rd quarter 2012)

3. When an adult gives a verbal instruction " Give me (item) paired with their out stretched hand he will give the object 80% of opportunities across 3 different adults and over 3 consecutive days . ( Mastered : 3rd quarter 2012)

Imitation

1. With toys that involve one motor action (roll car, stack blocks, throw ball, etc) Ethan will independently perform the action 3-5x in a 10-15 minute play interval across 3 different adults  over 3 consecutive days . ( Mastered: First quarter 2012)

2. During songs with an adult, Ethan will independently imitate 1-2 motor actions with in 3 seconds of adults model for 2 different actions across two teachers for 3 consecutive days . ( Mastered 3rd quarter 2012)

Adaptive Skills

1. Ethan has mastered bathroom dressing routines with minimal assistance. (Mastered 2nd quarter 2012)

2. Ethan is 97% pee potty trained this year and can stay dry for up to 1 hour and 40 minutes .

3. During meal time , when eating preferred spoon foods, Ethan will use a spoon , bring to his mouth and repeat for most of his meal at least 2 meals of the day for 3 consecutive days . ( Mastered 2nd quarter 2012)

4. When it is time to transition from one activity to another and this is indicated with a verbal direction and a object, Ethan will begin the transition without protest by either moving his body toward designated place, 8-12x a day across 3 teachers for 5 consecutive days .  ( Mastered 2nd quarter 2012)

Ethan may struggle daily with autistic behaviors but he easily slips into the hearts of anyone who will let him in . Most of his teachers now know the song " God is watching over you and God is wild about us " by heart now. Firefly autism gave us the best gift! The gift of hope . That there is nothing Ethan can't do with a little help. As Ethan ages into elementary school age he will start 1st grade this year but will continue to have our amazing Firefly Outreach team come to the house 3x a week and participate in Speech and Occupational therapy 2x a week as well. I know for many of you this is a hard financial time of year as it is for us , but we ask that you prayerfully consider donating to Team Ethan . The funds will cover his firefly therapy costs for 2013. With your financial gifts, prayers and the ultimate therapist "God" , Who knows what goals Ethan will accomplish next year . The sky is the limit! 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Lawmakers Look into Federal Response to Rising Rates of Autism | C-SPAN

Lawmakers Look into Federal Response to Rising Rates of Autism | C-SPAN

Hi there ! You may think you know me as the 47 % of Americans who rely on the government to sustain my life. Who uses food stamps and medicaid on a daily basis. Some may even judge me as while I use such services , I drive a Toyota Prius and have a I phone  You see from outside sources It looks like I am playing the system . But I am here to set the record straight! I know these people that you think I am . I watched as a mom bragged to me that she didn't have a job and that food stamps covered her Kerig coffee cups and that she didn't want to make an appointment until after noon cause they don't  get up until then. However I am not that girl. I am in no way a saint, but I worked hard , graduated at the top of my class , chose a career and up until 8 months ago made a humble but sustainable living at a job I truly loved! But at the end of the week you worked 50 hours and after paying for your special needs sons medical bills and childcare for which is only used 4 hours a day but you have to pay for full day and you have absolutely nothing to show for your paycheck it can become very daunting  You see while solely running the whole business end of a dental practice and having my phone beside me making sure my son received all his medicines , ate the correct diet, got taken to the bathroom every 30 min, got to his 2 therapies on time , called insurances companies , made endless doctors appointments there was no sanity , no Jenny and most of all no paycheck . I couldn't handle it anymore ! So I quit my job that I loved to care for my son which is even more of a full time job than running the practice. I already purchased my car and my husband works at sprint and got a deal on my phone so that's where that comes from . So please stop and think before you get offended at me . Walk in my shoes for a day ! I Listened to the governments hearing on the epidemic of autism. 1 in 88 kids are now diagnosed with ASD disorders. My son is 1 in 88! Treatments that are not a cure but can help ease the symptoms that Ethan faces daily cost $64000 a year ! Our insurance covers $34000 a year . This is the cost for only one of Ethan's therapies  and my salary for a year . My now stay at home mom career which is a silly term considering I am never at home is a 24 hour job. Ethan participates in 2-3 therapies a day I drive 80 miles a day to get him to and from his therapies, I change up to 7 dirty pants a day , up until this week cooked a gfcf diet for him , I keep running records of his therapies to turn into state agencies and insurance companies and on top of that am making regular appointments for the whole family. I can now see why I have been so very stressed and run down. As my job in the dental field , I can see fruits of my labor. As our practice grew and patients came in and out happy ,I received praise for my job from my boss, I received a paycheck in all these ways I was rewarded and felt valued. Well what if in your job you worked 24/7, you didn't  receive a paycheck and you put your heart and soul into making your job grow and prosper and you were actually losing money, your boss never thanked you and you saw your efforts failing daily. That is how I feel . Lets say your job was to potty train a child and it was a year later and you are still changing 7 poopy pants a day would you feel valued ? If you paid all this money and time and efforts for your child and after a 3 years your child can't say your name , melts down at the drop of a hat , can't be left alone for a second .I think it is harder now that my 3 year old can do so many things her brother can't . It was one thing when she was a baby and Ethan was ahead of her , but when she can sing songs, and feed herself and tell me her needs and wants and make friends and use the bathroom independently it can be easy to give myself a pitty party. My job as Ethan's mom no doubt has meaning and purpose but can sometimes be extremely overwhelming. We did not asked to be a 1 in 88 parent. We don't  know the cause of this condition or how to fix it . We are a family who does there best with the gifts God gives us . We love help when it comes our way but don't expect or rely on it. My husband works and goes to school full time to give our family the hope of a better future. Number one reason to go to school and get a college education.... you never know if you will be a parent of a child with ASD. No one owes us anything not even the government but if there are services which can help families in need I will consider myself lucky to receive them and be blessed by the programs as long as they are offered. But please don't assume we live high off the hog as Medicaid while they covered Ethan's speech and Ot and his dental surgery doesn't cover his behavior therapy which is the $64000 said earlier, and since Ethan is now deemed disabled we no longer qualify for food stamps so we can chose between food for the family or Ethan's therapy bills. Yes these therapies are expensive but you can't put a price tag on your son starting to communicate using a picture system, or looking you in the eye , or peeing on the toilet the first time . Government doesn't  owe us anything, and as much as I would love to think so , God doesn't owe me anything either. So in this life I hope that as a human race we can find the source of this awful disease and help our precious kids to live to a great potential , I hope we can learn to love each other and care for each other cause if earth was heaven we wouldn't need God . God has set the bar on how to love one another and help us through our lives cause each of us have our own autism our own hurt . So please think before you judge lest you be judged and let us pray that God shows truth and light on the autism community whether it be through us individually or through our government.

Identity and Worth

I realized today how sheltered Ethan is and I like that way. This world is full of cruel people who don't understand things. Like going to the dentist today and Ethan was jumping and flapping in the waiting room and people were staring and I"m sure they weren't happy that Ethan was screaming at the top of his lungs while there child was getting there teeth clean. Ethan goes to school , and therapy and church and he fits in. Its the rest of the world who doesn't fit in . I would like to move to autism Island . I/'m going to go into a sermon from last week at church .It was about works of the law vs. faith. Until last Sunday i totally thought I understood that concept that Christ died for our sins and nothing we can do on this planet can "earn " our way to heaven it is only through faith. I get that . But what I didn't realize is that I was doing that very same thing all along . I have been searching for the "reason" why Ethan is autistic. His autism consumes me . I feel it is this overwhelming burden , a punishment . that until I "get it" (whatever God is trying to teach me from this) That Ethan won't be healed , cured or whatever you want to call it .  Then I get mad at God for using my precious boy as a learning tool for whatever his plan is and I make my relationship with God conditional. That's where I am relying on "the law". I think if I were just good enough or kind enough or patient enough or loving to others enough ( you fill in the blank) that  God would fix Ethan which is ultimately "my heaven".  I have read the story so many times of the woman who had so much faith that she crawled through the mob of people just to touch the robe of Jesus and I wish that he were this present being that I could crawl and drag Ethan to so that he could touch his robe and be healed. Then I start playing another game that I must not have enough faith or Ethan would be one of the few miraculous healed children of autism. I have made my worth and my identity on this planet wrapped and intertwined with the hope that something I did must have caused this so it is up to me to fix it  and If i don't then what is the point of anything? Pastor asked us after the Aurora movie theater massacre to not search for an easy answer to a tragedy cause an Easy answer is like a band aid it will help you sleep at night but it doesn't fix the heart of the problem and when something comes up in the future all that damage that was there before and was never really healed will come back to the surface and will only add to your heartache . He suggested that sometimes the answer is to wait , listen and pray and sometimes there is no answer vs. making a false one to help you heal short term. Its so hard ! I look for purpose in this life to know that there is one. So i make a quick answer that God does have a purpose for Ethan but I worry that at the end of my life will I say that all "my hard work" was worth it . That right there brings me full circle that I am trying to earn through works my spot in heaven.Did you hear what I said ? "That all MY hard work" was worth it. I guess the hidden blessings in autism book was right . That even if on Ethan's last day on this earth that his medical record chart still contains the word "Autism " that I know in my heart that in Gods presence he will be perfect and autism is not in his heavenly chart for all eternity. And in that statement I will have my faith as this world is only temporary. I hope I can live up to that .