Is Autism a disease or a disorder? Is it contagious? Absolutely! I realized today that I have let my son's diagnosis get inside me and consume me to a place where there is no longer Jenny. I have often mourned Ethan's diagnosis but have never realized that what i was really doing was also mourning the loss of me. As my 8th wedding anniversary approaches this month i have reflected a lot on how different I am from Tommy's bride all those years ago. I am not saying people don't change because i know they do . But I often think how did I become this ? How did I become so angry and bitter and hateful and selfish ? So hardened to joy and compassion and to only see the band in every situation. The Jenny Lee that my dad loves so much , the girl who is quiet and shy and sweet and fun and lovable . That girl is suffering from autism too and my cloak of autism is the me I am now. I have let autism contaminate me . No wonder, this disorder stole my little boy away from me and is stealing myself . To where I spend my every waking moment surrounded by this disease. I cook special meals , I change on average 7 poop diapers a day , I am a glorified remote in my son's eyes and rice cake fetcher and taxi cab, appointment setter, advocate, mother and when Ethan is asleep I am scouring the internet for this miracle cure or magic pill that will rid our family of this disease. Yesterday I told my husband this , I told him that i was sad because I do all these things and all I want is something in return from Ethan a hug a smile something that lets me know that my little boy is still in there and that he loves me . Today i see that in the midst of the poop and tireless schedule I run I let autism cripple my eyes to stop looking for Ethan inside his eyes. I prayed a fervent prayer for me to always see Ethan behind the autism and today I can barely get this blog typed as Ethan has come in several times to see me and I have tried everything that usually works: potty break, rice cakes, drinks, favorite shows and none have worked because he wants to jump with his mom and have me tickle him and wants me to watch his show with him . He wants me ! So now that I understand that Autism is such a thick blanket around Ethan that I can easily not see him and he's easy to miss but with a little effort and a deeper look he is inside that head and he is inside my heart and not in any audible words but in the most powerful way he tells me he loves me. In the same way to stop autism from consuming me I need to take off my autism cloak and remember the girl I am . The girl who Tommy fell in love with , the girl my dad thinks I am , the girl who plays volleyball, and the flute and sings in the car but only when no one else is looking. The girl who prayed for almost a year and a half to have her prefect son come into this world . Ethan is perfect in God's eyes and if not on this earth than in God's presence he will be healed. I need to stop letting autism destroy my happiness. When my husband and I first met he told me that I smiled a lot and I did my face hurt as I was so in love and happy that I couldn't help it . Now Tommy begs me to smile and will tickle me or honk the horn ( not as good or bravely as dad would have:)) until I smile but it is a fake smile not brought on by my own happiness. I need to remember me . Stop letting autism consume me and stop scouring the internet for this magic pill that cures autism . I assure you if and when there is a cure for autism it will be headline news no deep searching will be necessary. God chose me to be Ethan's mom cause for some strange reason he thought i could handle it. I don't think I have handled it so well as he may had hoped. But the old Jenny is the one he chose not this mom I have morphed into. So instead of sulking or feeling like a victim to this world I should pray that I help lift Ethan up to the destiny God has for him and pray God's work be done in him and have faith that he knows what he is doing for the plan in our lives. Because God is God and I am not. I'm sorry Tommy, Ethan , Hailey, Mom and Dad. I love you . Thanks for still loving me.
