I realized today how sheltered Ethan is and I like that way. This world is full of cruel people who don't understand things. Like going to the dentist today and Ethan was jumping and flapping in the waiting room and people were staring and I"m sure they weren't happy that Ethan was screaming at the top of his lungs while there child was getting there teeth clean. Ethan goes to school , and therapy and church and he fits in. Its the rest of the world who doesn't fit in . I would like to move to autism Island . I/'m going to go into a sermon from last week at church .It was about works of the law vs. faith. Until last Sunday i totally thought I understood that concept that Christ died for our sins and nothing we can do on this planet can "earn " our way to heaven it is only through faith. I get that . But what I didn't realize is that I was doing that very same thing all along . I have been searching for the "reason" why Ethan is autistic. His autism consumes me . I feel it is this overwhelming burden , a punishment . that until I "get it" (whatever God is trying to teach me from this) That Ethan won't be healed , cured or whatever you want to call it . Then I get mad at God for using my precious boy as a learning tool for whatever his plan is and I make my relationship with God conditional. That's where I am relying on "the law". I think if I were just good enough or kind enough or patient enough or loving to others enough ( you fill in the blank) that God would fix Ethan which is ultimately "my heaven". I have read the story so many times of the woman who had so much faith that she crawled through the mob of people just to touch the robe of Jesus and I wish that he were this present being that I could crawl and drag Ethan to so that he could touch his robe and be healed. Then I start playing another game that I must not have enough faith or Ethan would be one of the few miraculous healed children of autism. I have made my worth and my identity on this planet wrapped and intertwined with the hope that something I did must have caused this so it is up to me to fix it and If i don't then what is the point of anything? Pastor asked us after the Aurora movie theater massacre to not search for an easy answer to a tragedy cause an Easy answer is like a band aid it will help you sleep at night but it doesn't fix the heart of the problem and when something comes up in the future all that damage that was there before and was never really healed will come back to the surface and will only add to your heartache . He suggested that sometimes the answer is to wait , listen and pray and sometimes there is no answer vs. making a false one to help you heal short term. Its so hard ! I look for purpose in this life to know that there is one. So i make a quick answer that God does have a purpose for Ethan but I worry that at the end of my life will I say that all "my hard work" was worth it . That right there brings me full circle that I am trying to earn through works my spot in heaven.Did you hear what I said ? "That all MY hard work" was worth it. I guess the hidden blessings in autism book was right . That even if on Ethan's last day on this earth that his medical record chart still contains the word "Autism " that I know in my heart that in Gods presence he will be perfect and autism is not in his heavenly chart for all eternity. And in that statement I will have my faith as this world is only temporary. I hope I can live up to that .
