We belong to a rather large church and being the introvert I am, I love that every Sunday I can walk in and walk out rather unnoticed . Well besides the meet and greet and dropping off the kids both of which both are mandatory and a necessary. Everyone who comes to church on any given Sunday has a story to tell. Most Sundays for me go something like this . I get up in plenty of time to get the house fed and ready to go on time but procrastinate up until the final seconds so as to have the thrill (ha) of rushing out the door to be on time. Tommy and I tag team the kids to get them potty'd and checked into their Sunday School classes. At that point of kissing their faces and waving goodbye , I can feel a sudden relief of now I can relax . Next , I go to the bathroom and Tommy gets a drink, sometimes I peruse the bible book store and we go and settle in our seats which by my calculations is always two rows up from the last couple in our specific section and at that point we are ready to go. Usually each Sunday I have a heavy heart before I even sit down in that coveted perfect seat. Thoughts of " Why do I always stress about getting to this seat on time? Is Ethan going to stay clean and dry in class? How much money do we have this week to spare (usually isn't alot which brings stress).Then my mind goes back to Money , Ethan, Money, Ethan, Money , Ethan until Jeff our worship leader beckons us to "Rise and sing" and I can drowned out these thoughts with the loud upbeat music for the next 20 minutes. I always cry during communion and usually during the last song of the day and then Pastor Phil comes out. Tears fade away to laughter as his opening lines are always comical , followed by deep lessons of self evaluation and drives it on home with a question usually on personal reflection that brings back the tears. After the service comes the dreaded walk of shame. Like how many tears can I wipe before I get to the doors and the ushers see me crying , not very many. Then as we exit , Tommy will turn to me , see that I have been crying and ask the "what did you think ?" when all I really want to do is forget so that I can turn off the tears before I have to face the nice Sunday school ladies to pick up the kids. All that being said, that was a typical Sunday for me . I was a little blindsided this week. I should have saw it coming , everything was different yesterday. We left early for church with no stress , had a little extra money in our pocket so the cost of Tommy's drink and the thought of going out to eat after church was no stress and with Ethan's new school going so well I had no heavy heart this week regarding him , since we were early no one was sitting in our section at all so I had the pick of the litter for my seat. All in all this morning was quite nice. Feeling really peaceful this week about my life and how things are going , I sang praise to the lord and took communion without crying , as always loved the message , and almost made it the entire service until as always Pastor drives the word home and I lose it.
The series we are reading is "Not your average Joe" the story and study of Joseph and his coat of many colors. I have heard and loved this story so many times since childhood that I couldn't possibly get anything new out of it. WRONG! Joseph's story is your story. This boy had so many ups and downs in his life. Started out that he was the proclaimed favorite son of his 12 brothers. Although sinful , tell me who doesn't love being the favorite? I myself am an only child so like a bye in a sports event I was awarded that title myself . It is a pretty nice place to be. However soon his brothers hated him so much that they threw him in the bottom of a pit. Pretty low spot there and within a few hours was sold into slavery and sent to a far away land. The lord gives and the lord takes away. The question presented in the message yesterday was "What would a person do in exactly your circumstances if they were absolutely confident beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was with them?". I often forget that in the bible these are not stories, they are actual events in which once you can see the whole story you wonder why they chose to do things the way they did as God always comes through for them. But like me , the people in the bible are only human too , they didn't get to see the big picture in their lives as it unraveled. I sometimes think If I could only read the final chapter in my own story ,you know sneak a peak and pass over all the middle stuff cause everyone knows the middle stuff is the hairy and icky stuff , and see that everything turns out fine then I could continue on without worry as I know it will all work out . Faith is not seeing and believing , its believing period. Asking yourself in your darkest moments " Do you trust him?" Ouch hard question.
Now I said that Joseph's story is everyone's story. Did I get thrown in a pit and sold to slavery? No. Life has a funny way of taking you down paths you never expected. "Standing on a road I didn't plan, wondering how I got to where I am?" (Plumb: Need you Now) I struggle so many times with Autism as it is so different than making a bunch of bad choices that leads to your own suffering , it is different than a disease that you know the cause of and can understand how it happened. Autism is a path no one chose, no one knows how it starts or how to fix it . There are so many questions about it that for the time being are left unanswered. So the statement "wonder how I got to where I am ?" Only leads me to GOD and Why? I don't know how I got to where I am ?I was a young girl who married the man of her dreams and desired to have a family . How can something so beautiful put me on this path? In a rather gross analogy, Pastor asked what Joseph may be thinking while chained to a camel walking behind what he ate a few hours earlier. Now that I can relate to . Ethan is my camel that I am chained to , I can't get away and I am constantly looking at what he ate a few hours earlier..... Kinda funny but not really. "What would a person do in exactly your circumstances if they were absolutely confident beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was with them?". How would that person raise Ethan ? Can they turn off their brain at night and sleep knowing "God's got this "? Would they worry about what school he goes to , what medicine he should take , what doctor can help him ? Where the money is going to come from to pay for any of this ? Do I trust him ? Do I trust he is the one true God and sent his son to die on a cross for mine and all mankind's sins? Answer to that is easy . Do I feel like I am walking down the Autism road alone without God . Yeah sometimes. Do I trust that no matter how dark or scary this path that I am on God will always be there ? Hard questions. One that as a young child in Sunday school would yell out "YES". One I would love to yell out yes to but not sure I believe it when it comes to Ethan. Especially since Autism is such a mystery. One thing I will say I have not yet learned but want to is that Faith is a daily choice. Even though our lives may come with ups and downs and some Sunday's its easy to sing praise and trust , some Sunday's its not and life is ugly and I can be scared and mad and upset but I can still chose to trust . What is your story? Do you trust him?
A lot of this blog's ideas were taken from Phil Vaughn at Southeast Christian Church in Parker Colorado on the series Not your Average Joe. If you would like to listen to the sermon please visit them online at www.sechristian.org
