Unconditional / Conditional Love

Unconditional love, I understand fully how to accept it, but giving it is a completely different story .  I have been surrounded by it my whole life. No matter how grumpy , selfish, hateful , rude , or unloving I am; I am shown this unconditional love from: God , my parents , my husband and my kids. Growing up when life was simple and carefree and easy I thought being a christian was so easy. I mean it makes total sense right ? How can people not get it ?God is well God. He created the universe in 7 days he wants you to be good not bad , he has 10 simple rules and oh yeah Jesus died on the cross to save our sins. Got it! I mean why is that so hard for people to understand ? What I didn't know at this point was how life can be so much harder than my own little bubble I was raised in , and things aren't always black and white. In my world it was pretty squeaky clean . I didn't worry about money there was never a lot but all our needs were met, there was no hurt or disease no broken relationships between my parents . We had a nice quiet family full of love and happiness . I mean sure there were some rough times but like i said Jesus died for our sins , God is good  problem solved.  What I am trying to say is it is so easy to be a christian until life isn't so easy . What happens when you feel entitled to something? I put conditions on my love all the time because i feel entitled to certain things. When i don't get my basic needs or lets face it above and beyond my basic needs I find it hard to give unconditional love back. When my parents can't jump in and make everything okay like they used to do. When my husband can't fix our autism or our finances , or when my kids don't behave the way i expected them too , when God asks of me more than I was planning on giving. I start putting conditions on my love for them . How horrible is that ? Like lets say for instance if you do everything right or what you feel is right and life somehow turns out wrong.  Ethan's autism has completely changed my world . It determines every single decision that i make in a single day. From what time I get up in the morning , to what food has to be prepared and on what time schedule, where we live , how much money we make , what church service to attend, what restaurants we eat at to what shows we watch , what friends we can have ?etc, etc, etc....I know in my heart of hearts that Ethan is a powerful tool in God's toolbox. He has a master plan for this little boy .  In a way I am prideful in the fact that God wants to use our family in some special way but in a complete other I have so much anger inside of me . Have you ever asked God " How dare you ....."? A sermon was preached on it at my church not to long ago. I had plenty of answers how to fill in that blank . How dare you give me a special needs child ? How dare you ask me to be a good enough mom to him ? How dare you use my son in this manner for your will ? How dare you not provide all the resources I demand to provide for him? I have made a conditional love with the Lord . So now being christian isn't as straight forward easy to understand. I mean he died on the cross to save me from my sins yet if he doesn't play the game of life the way I want then the cross wasn't enough. That seems harsh but basically that what my attitude is saying. There are days when I can stand and sing where pride and joy are overflowing from my heart and i raise my hands to the sky ( no i don't cause dad would call me a solar collector) and there are days I want to sulk in the pew and point out all my battles with God or I don't  pray cause I'm angry and i don't feel like God is for me that he is against me. Thank goodness for that unconditional love he gives as even though I say these horrible things against him he still loves me . I know these things aren't true , they are just human emotions crowding my truth that . God is indeed good, and all powerful .  He weeps at the pain I am in , he holds out his hand to me even when I am not willing to take it. God is God and I am not and I will trust that everything that comes to pass is in his hands and his promises remain true even when life seems broken. I need to find a way to remove these feelings of anger so that I can love God and love others the way they have loved me . To be a servant to my family as God came to serve us on this earth not be served. Because when I look into Ethan's face , even though he can't say a word I can see the love and innocence and the beauty inside him . Truth be told, Ethan and Hailey are not my MINE, they are on loan to me for a short amount of time . They are God's children that he has placed for me to care while they follow God's path. God dare me to be the mom my kids think I am.